So, my usual blog domain has been down for a few days now and I'm a little concerned about the fate of all that information. Only a little concerned, but I think I would be sad to have lost all those observations and records. I will keep my fingers crossed.
I find it a little harder to make myself write and record events not knowing what the fate of the prior record is going to be. This has been a cataloge for me, where I can go and get some perspective and now I've lost my reference points.
It is interesting to me that Jake seems to have returned to his previous ways with me. He kissed me again on Saturday. He'd been drinking a little and when I went over there he was very affectionate, increasingly so. I was over there for about 5 hours. We played Playstation and watched How I Met Your Mother while he nibbled on me. I reciprocated but tried not to be too forward because I'm not sure where he stands and I hate to feel at a disadvantage. Around 9 he wanted to go to bed and I went up with him for a while, whereupon he invited me to take advantage of him, which I did. First sex of the new year, god it felt good, just perfect. I had wanted so badly to get laid and I did miss him terribly. So, I was in a good mood for the rest of the evening and most of the following day. He still makes me so nervous though, as though he has responses which are independent of circumstances so I can't anticipate his next move and I feel at his mercy. I wish I were not so hung up on him. I enjoy it but I'm terrified of being hurt more. All I can hope for at present is an eventual mellowing of my response to him.
On a lighter note, I got to spend a lot of time with J this weekend and I enjoyed that. I'm back to wishing freely that she lived locally instead of desperately wishing her to the farthest reaches of the globe. I'm still paranoid that she'll talk to Jake again someday for one reason or another and I'll be back in drama world, but if that doesn't happen, then eventually I'm sure my paranoia will fade. Probably a good thing as I'm sure my relationships will have other issues that will most certainly arise sooner than i would really prefer.
